It’s there or
It comes and goes
In waves, leaving
Tidemarks where
Once you saw how
Full the marina used
To be. Wish for those
Moments. Take heart
And be of good cheer
When the waters go
Down because what
Goes down must come
Up again.
-rb.xyz
there is the truth
than there is what parts of it
you choose to tell
there will always be a shaded area
that you will keep to yourself
but you know to be sincere
the way you know
after thunder comes lightning
because it is not your responsibility
to leave your heart naked
for everyone that did not hear
the thunder
It’s 5th grade
In the cafeteria it’s footlong hotdog day
And they just shepherded the boys into
Another room
So we could watch the sex ed video separately
Already setting the precedent
For chivalry
(I didn’t have to relocate my stationary)
But I felt a strong desire to clean or “do” “something”
Equivalent
To their sacrifice
Maybe bake a pie
Maybe make a good wife
And somehow even with
The line-drawn animations…
The hydraulic lift, and
Water cycle annotations,
Arrows and things…
I am still not quite sure thereafter
If what I think happens
Happens…
And all I’ll really remember is the wheezy old man quoting, “sex is precious!”
And never lacking an appetite so much
In my whole damn life
Even as I read V.C. Andrews books
And fantasize about the power dynamics
_____________________________________
Maureen Armstrong @haikkun
I no longer recognize
the reflection in the mirror.
Indeed, the way her-
eyes crinkle,
smile curves,
voice unshaken…
is a replica of the girl
wandering my dreams.
.
Cognitive dissonance-
The girl is a separate entity.
.
I no longer recognize
the people who surround me.
They may smile and extend
courteous hands. But,
I am an outsider.
Sneaking into their exclusivities.
.
Somehow, I made it here:
Grand lecture halls
and sterile patient rooms.
Donning a white coat,
introducing myself
as medical student.
.
Stethoscope resting on my neck,
medical terminology flooding my ears,
patients’ pulses at my fingertips.
My chest flutters from
purpose in my hands and
passion in my veins.
.
Yet, there’s an imminent fear
that I don’t belong here.
.
Maybe it’s because
I’m the only graduate
from a family of four.
.
Maybe it’s my loans
amounting more than
the mortgage + interest.
.
Maybe it’s the struggles
I bear on my own-
medicine and graduate school,
part-time jobs and dual-degree,
research distinction and board examinations.
.
My family doesn’t understand
the academic demands,
but at least -
they’re proud of me.
.
I’m an imposter.
Amongst elites
and heirloom legacies.
Dweller of lower ranks,
Clutching onto an American dream.
Putting on the final act
in this distorted society.
.
Lips continue to repeat,
“Fake it until you make it”
Until the day I believe,
I deserve to be.
.
- aleta jay
.
Note: I’m extremely grateful for my educational opportunities. However, the further I ascend in the higher education, I progressively feel more isolated with and unsure if I deserve this. I have worked extremely hard to be where I am… but sometimes you can’t ignore the sensation that this is all a fluke that’s going to crash and burn.
Love is always noble
love never doubts or disappoints
love never stops caring
@artwork by Displate on Pinterest
The strong and tall tree
His roots are planted deep with in the earth
He tried his best
But the world wasn’t so kind
He made some mistakes
But I haven’t learned how to forgive and forget yet
My dear father,
I hope he knows
I see his fragility and the dreams he sees
And that I know the things he gave up
Just so we can have a better life
Maybe he didn’t do everything right
But at the end of the day
He’s just as human as I am
And what is a human if not a creature of clay and mistakes?
~an ode to the immigrant parents
We left
scratch marks on
the sky after a
night of
bitter plastic.
The fresh wounds never
scab, only weep.
Our lovesick
bodies itch for
the blood.
It evaporates before
hitting our tongues.
It’s a delicately soft summer night—
I have held onto hurt,
Worn the blood,
Felt it home.
I gather it up in the elevator;
I tap the button—
And a tapestried self lets go.
where were you when the walls fell? i gave you my favorite pencil, but where’s my poem? you learned how to fly but refuse to make me a paper plane, grew taller than me but hid my birthday gift where i could not reach it, and i gave away the pillow i used to hold and pretend it was you, but i still wish my arms were around you. you’re like a rose’s thorn stuck to my blouse, a reminder of beauty but i can’t shake you off, i can’t let you go, i can’t breathe, i can’t see my life without you but i can’t let you stay, i can’t, i can’t, i can’t….
each dream is made
of a syllable of your name,
your eyes envision
your breath enlivens them.
And I meet you
(and part)
over and over again
in the same place
of our mutual imagining,
never to have met you
never to have actually parted,
always lapsing into
dreams of you
far away from this soulless reality.
© SoulReserve 2021
My shelter,
My nest, a bowery thicket
All’d be welcome
Please
You,
Your portfolio in enduring esteem
Your touch, lucent
Godly to all
Me,
I am athirst, but ignored
I beseech thee
Abuse me
My full self, wanting,
Oh, to be aglow, transcendent, adored
With knives out to despair
Fulfill me
Hit me,
dear light.
In Control
Pleasantly driving
Through a Mad Max thermosphere
.
Picking flowers
For the people
Opps
They were dandelions
Here have some weeds
.
Making arts and crafts
Smiling
Smiling
Smiling
Yup just keep smiling
.
Reconnecting
With my heart
With my roots
With weeping willows and their invasive roots
.
Writing internet poetry
Sober
With no fight to pick
With no weapon to hold
Hey this last line doesn’t mean anything
A fatal flaw of mine,
If only words could utter and define
This plays bigger than you and I
It’s my heart, my instinct to trust
Fall hard amongst those who only lust
Maybe it’s the broken in me
Not by them but what was unseen
Right there, you see
Is the sadness of the epitome
Hoping to mend ways,
I thought a relationship could be
From parents, others and codependence
Maybe it’s only with me
A fatal flaw of mine,
If only words could utter and define
As it plays bigger than you and I
My empathy, the race against time
Unknowingly knowing the pain
Some call it insane
But energy is greater than the shame
A fatal flaw of mine,
Is priceless moments racing against time
It’s the beat of what makes me alive
The drumming of my heart
The love and how easily I’m torn apart
It’s where empathy lies,
Emotionally connected with ties
I’ve tried to leave the power
But to end the fatal flaw,
At any given hour
Would be more than fatal,
So I’ll continue to feel too much
Ignore the past
Fuck what was my crutch
Let what’s felt be felt
Attached to these feelings,
I’ll always choose this over all
Even if it means I love hard and easily fall
My fatal flaw would be to give up on me, to stay down when I’ve fallen countless, to let this man continue a warpath I’m no longer living, to make my heart broke, and lungs filled with smoke. Choosing him over me. His words, his manipulative ways, torturous game, and inevitable signs of deceit of the person I see, the person I am, and where I want to be. My fatal flaw was what once lead me to using drugs because I’d feel too much, and need to feel nothing at all. I had this thought yesterday, where I wanted him to say the word “again”, again, and again, and again; over and over for every hour he had played his ways with me, fully knowing this would take longer than days because it was insane. Then, I remembered this makes me insane. To think I can speak to someone not even human, rather a person with no humanity of living covered with stains on a heart that can’t beat for good; using telepathic powers unavailable in my mind and convince him, make him believe his own words, or think that he could change because of this admittance. That would be the start of another fatal flaw that I won’t give into because I’m not him. I thank God for keeping me away, I was never meant to stay.
Because the alternative to the feeling
Would be drugs work, the deceiving
Some might call it insane
To desire something real,
Even if it’s pain
But it’s just my heart, I’m unable to tame
The love I have,
Has become strength
Made as a feeling
It’s the reason I’ve chosen believing
With faith that conquers all other meaning
A fatal flaw of mine,
Was trusting those
Who failed me every time
Thinking the best of them,
While thinking the worst of me
The neglect of the plans that deceive,
When they were only after the receive
Now all that are left,
Are the memories
The ones that sink their teeth
Replaying as the blood seeps
Bleeding from every pore
Forgiveness still finds me more
Yet here I am,
Wanting sharpness to shed,
These tears that I have bled
Because it seems,
Forgiveness can’t even mend
A fatal flaw of mine,
Would be to give up,
But I see this as a sign
I won’t give in
Not today
Not this time
I won’t play into a lustful sin
The way everything had torn me apart,
Continues to bring me pain
But humanity is felt from the heart,
So, to those who have toyed with my mind
I’m sorry but you won’t get me,
Not this time
Alright fine be that way,
take your ball and go home –
I’ll just
stand here in the street
singing to myself all alone
and
I won’t miss you,
won’t miss the kick or the shove,
the
angle of the sunlight,
the wing-flap of dove,
I’ll
just write myself anew
I’ll just turn your absence into
fodder
for my next mystery tale turned true.
I lay awake and pray for devastation to pull the layers of times gone by due to your damnation. Forgive me if I speak out of turn by wishing your pathetic words an ending, and burial, deep within the confines of the same putrid intellect you feel you hold. Time is a necessity…
You are not.
-H. Murcia 4:06 PM 2/24/2021
We move in perfect motion,
hand in hand,
hearts beating as one.
We tiptoed and glide
in an endless tempo
of ballad and serenades.
We giggle and laugh
with every change in
rhapsody and cadence
until we’re utterly
out of breath.
We let our souls rest
for a moment until
the music started again…
Slow this time,
endearing and sweet.
We danced slowly through
the night, levitating in glee
and happiness that,
we both, pray to be
endless.
MR | 250221
[Happy Birthday, my wife. ♥]
Let me love you and keep you near,
It’s not my wish to let you go.
We’ll have it all except for fear.
Let me love you and keep you near.
I want something; it’s you right here,
can’t contain it, just so you know.
Let me love you and keep you near.
It’s not my wish to let you go.
JP
